Avianto's Journal

MotW aka. Music of the Week:

At Least We’re Dreaming

Eve 6

When do we get to the part where I can go home,
Been hiding inside the jungle gym for way too long
Waiting for someone to come along and find me.
Live in an apartment that bums me out
It don’t get better when the lights go out
Waiting for someone to come along and find me.
Swimming through the aisles at the grocery store
I don’t even know what I’m lookin for
Waiting for someone to come along and find me.

At least I’m breathing
At least I’m alive
As long as I’m dreaming
Everything’s gonna be all right.

Down to the corner to call collect
Your mother wants to know are you happy yet
Waiting for someone to come along and find you.
Going out at night looking for distraction
Sleeping through the day there’s no redemption
Waiting for someone to come along and find you.

At least you’re breathing
At least you’re alive
As long as you’re dreaming
Everything’s gonna be all right.

I’m all right, I tell myself twice
In the mirror before I can’t go to sleep at night
I need a lullaby I need some time
I need to get a dime bag from my guy
Well, that’s the fact, at least I am dreaming…

I just re-read my copy of “Understanding Media” by Marshall McLuhan and stumbled upon the Gadget chapter which opened with the discussion about Narcissus.

Note: For those who are calling themselves a “media expert” and had not read the book yet, do the world a favor and read it, please? Of course to become a media expert you need more than just one book, right? 1.5 years of formal graduate school sounds reasonable? We’ll talk about it later. Back to topic.

I don’t know if this only happened in Indonesia but I know some people who consider themselves as “narcist” just because they love themselves more than anybody else or simply love themselves and think themselves gorgeous or great. Sorry to bring a bad news for them but they are using a wrong term. If you read the Narcissus legend, you will know that Narcissus never fall in love with himself. He was falling in love with his reflection. That’s it, the reflection. According to McLuhan, some cynics even stated that we, human, are falling in love to someone because that particular someone is somehow reflecting ourselves in their presence. I might go as far as saying that it is not just ‘reflection’, it is more like ‘projection’. We project ourselves into the world and when we see someone with that projection beaming out from them, we are falling in love. Why ‘projection’? Because ‘reflection’ is misleading us to believe in ‘exact copy’. But it was not a copy, it was something else and it maybe someone that we want us to be but instead be that someone, we choose to be with that someone. This also explain the strange phenomena of “opposite attract”.

A mirror is an extension of our being. It create a world outside ourselves. Human beings are so simple, we always have extensions when we communicate with the world. The examples are clothes, cars, houses and even attitude. Those are vehicles of our being to communicate with the world outside our own. The Internet is the latest extension of human as a being and I dare to say that it evolve us into a different level. Some might say it revolve us, but I wouldn’t go that far. This new extension creates another level of discourse, discussion and even culture.

So, do you think “narcist” is the right term now? I think not, maybe we should invent a new term for this thing… But now you know that no matter how much you think you are gorgeous, handsome or great, you are not a “narcist” but if you love someone and that someone is somehow your projection to the world then called yourself “narcist”, you have the right.

Well, I know that I already bored you with my pathetic rants and raves but excuse me, it’s just my condition right now is not as good as it was. Heck, I don’t even think that I ever been this low.

Consider that, I was thinking, how could things get worse? Well, it could tho but what the hell, I will get it thru somehow. I remember when I was “trained” back in college (For those who know the word “OS” or “OSPEK”, you know what I mean), I always joked around and said; “Well, this is tough and painful to certain degree, but guess what? Everything always have an end, either the ‘trained’ or ourselves”. So yeah, I survived back then and who want to say that I couldn’t survive now? I have nothing to loose, in fact I have nothing right now, so bring it on.

Still no good news about job application, seems like most of my application sent to blackhole@norespond.com. Not even an interview chance. I don’t know where this confidence come but I believe that given an interview, I certainly will score the job. And no, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, I am still wondering, am I inside a tunnel or a blackhole. But that’s OK, I am fine. Life is all but with me right now, it is dissapointing as I always believe that life is always with me thru all the way but maybe life is just tired of me riding along quite cheerily.

Anyway, no negative posting from now on. I had enough of them, the more gloomier I posted, the more gloomier my feeling became and I don’t need more gloom and sarcastic tone while I am feeling awful.

So bring it on, stress test already began a couple of weeks ago, just see how far it goes before I finally snap. Bring it on.

Another week of ‘nothing happening except it just keep getting worse’. That was one hell of a week, a week where nothing went right and end up with I got hit by a bike (Fortunately, I am okay or was it unfortunately? I have no freaking idea.), my ATM card swallowed by the ATM, a couple of rejection letter (I am getting good at being rejected, great) and still wondering what the hell am I doing now.

Never been so low before, heck, I never even been this pesimistic. But shit did happened, quite a lot, and I don’t know how long can I take it anymore. This is not what I called living, this is what I called ‘damaging mental state’.

Is there any way out of this blackhole? Or am I just wish the impossible? Sure, you can say that there always be a way but have you ever been in my kind of state before? If yes, then I congratulate you for being stronger than me. Really, I congratulate you from the bottom of my heart.

Yeah, it seems only yesterday that I believe that the world is such a beautiful place and now it seems like another round of “Me vs. The whole world”.

How long I could hold on… I wonder.

I want to get back on my feet again. I want to be able wake up in the morning thinking about the next greatest thing I want to do today. I want to breath the fresh air of life. I want to say positive words. I want to look out from my window and see the great future lies ahead. I want to fly high and beyond the reach of stars. I want to stand still against the tornado with high confidence that I will survive.

But the fact is I have nothing now. Nothing. I have no life, no money and no jobs. Darn, I can’t even afford one way ticket home just to return home with tail between my legs. And I don’t even know if I could survive for another week with the current life, money and jobless situation. For those who had been advising me to hold on, I can only say thank you but I have to remind you all that you have no freakin’ idea what I’ve been thru here. No freakin’ idea.

It’s been foul air I’ve been breathing in now. Suffocated. It is not fun anymore to wake up without knowing what to do with life anymore. It seems everyday is like a borderline to insanity just waiting to be crossed. It is not a good day anymore when the only thing in my mind every day is how am I supposed to end this misery. It’s almost a month since my last entry complaining about life with no positive thing going on with it. It still the same frustration, the same situation and the same freakin’ condition. I hate it.

I want my life back…